Boston Women's Aid

Children are individuals and they will react in different ways to being brought up in a home with an abusive person.

Hey, this bit is for the young people,
Are you worried about your mum, then take a look here
it has loads of good stuff that can help you help your mum

And now the bits for mum

Some children will be affected by tension or by witnessing arguments, distressing behaviour or assaults. They may feel that they are to blame, or feel insecure, alone, frightened or confused.

Talk to them. Be as honest as you can about the situation without frightening them. Reassure them that the abuse is not their fault and that they are not responsible for adult behaviour. Explain to them that abuse is wrong and that it does not solve problems.

All temporary accommodation provided by Women's have children's workers who will make your children feel safe and at home, and almost all temporary accommodation will have other children staying there when you arrive. In most cases there will be a playroom for children, and the Children's Worker will arrange activities for young residents both in and away from the temporary accommodation. These children's activities will benefit you as well as your children

The children staying in temporary accommodation have the opportunity to meet other children in a similar situation to theirs. They can talk about their experiences to each other and begin to understand that they are not alone. With the help and support of refuge workers, children can be helped to come to an understanding of their situation.

Men who are abusive to women do not necessarily abuse children too, but it can happen. If you suspect that this is happening or that it has happened, it is important that you raise this issue with your children and take steps to protect them, for example, by seeking advice from the social services or other agencies who are there to assist and protect children. Social workers will not take your children away if they can work with you to make sure they are safe.

If your child, or a child you know, tells you that they have been abused or have witnessed abuse in their home, here are some guidelines to help you acknowledge the problem with them:

Listen carefully to the child and let them tell the story in their own time.
Reassure the child that they are not to blame for what is happening at home.
Show the child that you are concerned for them.

Remember that children have rights of their own.

Children & Domestic Abuse

• A survey of child abuse hospital records in the USA found that 45% of the mothers of abused children were also victims of Domestic abuse (Stark & Flitcraft, 1988).

• In 90% of cases of domestic abuse children are in the same room or the next room. (Hughes 1998) Children make up more than half of residents in refuge. (Scottish Women's Aid

• In 40% - 60% of cases of domestic abuse child abuse is also occurring (Stark & Flitcraft 1998)

• The NCH study found 75% of mothers said their children had witnessed domestic abuse, 33% had seen their mothers beaten up, 10% had witnessed sexual violence (NCH, 1994).

• Children's responses to witnessing domestic abuse vary according to a multitude of factors, including age, race, class, sex, stage of development, role in the family, relationship with parent(s), and the availability of sources of support outside the immediate family situation (Saunders, 1995).

• Children of all ages most often take some form of passive or active support to protect their mothers when witnessing domestic abuse (Hester & Radford, 1996).

• Children of all ages phone the police for assistance and a number of research studies suggest that women often attribute their eventual escape to the emotional and practical support provided by their children (Hoff, 1990).

• Children sometimes feel guilty if they do not come to the aid of their mother. This 'guilt' is often accompanied by self blame and feelings that they have in some way 'caused' their father to be abusive (Saunders, 1995).

• Children may also feel angry towards their mother for not protecting herself or the children, as well as blaming her for causing the abuse. Others may be so concerned about their mother's distress that they keep private their own grief (Saunders, 1995).

• Children of abused women will not necessarily grow up to be abusers or victims of domestic abuse themselves. No conclusive evidence exists to support the 'intergenerational transmission of violence' thesis or to show that there is a 'cycle of violence' (Mullender & Morley, 1994)